All my previous straight relationships, didn’t fit me. Its like shoe shopping you see a cute pair of shoes from a distance they are perfect, you go to try them on and they don’t fit to small, but you try to squeeze into them, but no matter how hard you try they wont fit you. Yet they are so cute and attractive, then you see another pair of shoes that you find amazing and you love them but people think you’re wrong for liking them and make comments saying you can’t have both pairs to choose one. The thing is you know the first pair wont fit yet choose them anyway. why? is it because of social pressure to “fit” into this idealised world of man and women, or are you standing in your own way trying to ignore who you are as person. Society has built up and imagine of what the LGBT+ looks like and maybe because you don’t “fit” into that “look” you can’t be gay, lesbian, bi, transgender etc.
I identify at the moment as bisexual but as I just described, being in a straight relationship doesn’t fit me, I’m not ready to admit I may actually be gay, and just find guys as aesthetically pleasing.
Again going back to shoe analogy you can like something find it aesthetically pleasing to you but you don’t want as it wouldn’t work for you. Its like buying a coffee maker and hating coffee.
I’ve been in a gay relationship and it fits ignoring how bad that relationship was it fit me, out of 6 years and dating a few people it was the most comfortable feeling I ever had was being with a woman.
I lost my train of thought anyway.
Being 14 and still in school being gay or bi was hard people judge you at that age, you vulnerable confused and lost. Guess that is why after it all ended I “switched” to guys and acted straight, for 6 years I managed it, then a few bad things happened and I got help for depression and anxiety and overcome that but since then nothing, has felt right, I had a male partner in january and thought this will fix things settle me down but again it didn’t fit, that’s when it all came back to me those feelings overpowered me the feeling I suppressed for 5 years. The lost feeling is of my sexuality that I am not straight at all, and this is how I’m leaving this blog entry today, I’m not straight but I’m not ready to admit that I am gay yet.