This post will take references from my last one check it out before you read this one
I ended my last post saying “ I’m not straight but I’m not ready to admit that I am gay yet.” and im sat here thinking didn’t I just admit that I’m gay, and at that time not realise it. I am gay I like women and see a future with a women not a man yet why cant I identify as gay why am I identifying as bisexual why am I wearing shoes again that don’t fit me.
- Social pressure,
- The fear of judgment,
- The fear of being disowned,
- The fear of being treated differently from family,
All these things are the reasons why I’m trying to fit into shoes that don’t fit. I want to live as an openly gay women and be free of the chains. Until I stop caring about social pressure until I stop standing in my own way and except myself for who I am, how can I ever tackle 2,3 and 4.
The thought of being questioned about my sexual preferences worries me, considering I have dated guys in the past. When said before that being in a straight partnership doesn’t fit me, people just seem to assume that it was because I was never “in love” with any of them.
The thought of having sex with a guy just repulses me yet a women well that’s a different story, I watch OITNB and think damm I want a piece of that, but trying to explain to be people, that yes I dated guys and I find them attractive but everything else NO!!! a lot of people don’t understand that, most people who are in the gay or whatever have dated with the opposite sex before to either “fit” in or try it out, and that what I have done and it doesn’t work yet trying to get people to understand that is so hard.
Everyday I talk to myself (I’m not mad promise ) think about who I am and what all of this means, thinking back to childhood and school and thinking why I didn’t open up at 14 before I started hiding who I was. If I could go back 6 years and say to my 14-year-old self and say to come out now I would.
That is my advice to every young person, you know that if the shoes don’t fit now it probably never will, be open, be proud and be confident know one can tell you what your sexual preference is ONLY you can do that.
That is it for today I didn’t plan to write this today it just came out, so apologies if it comes across a bit muddled.