You can win, I did

As I sit here now drinking my cold coffee (dog distracted me)  sat in front of my computer thinking what on earth can I write. I need to write It’s the only thing that stops  my brain blowing things out of proportion and helps evaluate tough situations, that one can not sort out from the head.

Then it came to me, the reason I started this blog was to write unfiltered about struggles in my life. The beauty if this is no one who reads this know me (except the few trusted), so I can write about anything and everything without being judged.

So todays post will be on depression and how it changed my life and the aftermath of recovering from it.

I want to share a poem that I wrote in my diary from 3 years ago, not 100% sure if I wrote it or found it somewhere and wrote it down but here it goes.

look around you what do you see,

A mother and a child Teenagers, old people,

Crowds most people see this everyday,

But did you notice that person with the cuts up their wrists

That person crying

That person talking someone out of suicide

Did you see that person bullying someone

Well they committed suicide that day

I bet you didn’t see any of that, you only notice what you want to

You never see the small things 

Never the stuff that can save a person’s life.

This is one the most touching and sad poems I ever wrote down.

I recently started reading back in my diary and thinking wow was that really me, I never realized how much I have changed as a person in till now how happy I really am, im sat here now writing this dancing along to boy george 4 years ago that wouldn’t have been me, 4 years ago I was suicidal and self harming I am 2 years clean now, I am no longer that shell of a person. Yet what a lot of people forget depression makes you lose who you are, even more so when you suffered for years with it, and having to recreate yourself find out who you are again is a struggle. I finished talking therapies about 3-4 months ago now, I wont lie and say its been easy because it hasn’t at all, the aftermath of depression is difficult I lost everything about myself, so I’m having to try to rebuild me as a person, my identity. I was 15 when depression struck me along with anxiety but that’s a different post. At 15 you are learning who you are, I was learning about my sexuality who my friends were and what I wanted to do in life, but depression started taking all that away from me, I know longer cared who I was what I looked like. My life started to be based around my health and it declining I started losing friends because of that everything was falling apart. At 16 I was no longer “ME” I didn’t know who I was anymore, everything I was had gone and it stayed that way till now I’m now 20 and everything I would have experienced as a teenager I’m now learning as an adult. Its tough and I hate it, many times I have wanted to throw everything out and start again and I don’t know what’s stopping me from doing that. “Okay maybe I do I’m a hoarder and hate chucking things out.”  I still feel like a teenager and not in a good way. like most of the older generation think they are still young adults.

This year for me is a year off self discovery, learning about me, and maybe I will just have that clear out of everything that remind me of the old me and start again.

I’m going to end this with one last entry that’s in my diary

What does it mean to live,

Do you have to die first,

Do you never live one you die on the inside,

Do you ever recover from dying,

I don’t think you do,

You’re always dead in one way or another. 

I can say you do recover from dying on the inside, it takes time and admitting you need help is a step in the right direction.

I never thought I’d be happy again yet here I am smiling and laughing once again a confident person learning to live and love life, yes I have a long way to go to true happiness but I will get there.

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